A Monologue

‘My life is finished… didi dekho safed baal’ Oh my God, that ad is irritating me ever since its advent on T.V. My friends use to tease me time and again targeting my white hair. It’s so stupid to give in to something of this sort...I use to think then, color your hair. My question to them was can’t I stay natural the way I wanted to. At a point in time I understood that my friends were concerned and wanted me to look beautiful, good and all. But that wasn’t me, I felt that why should I do something to hamper the way my hair looked just because people are not ok with it. I was stubborn so I never did it. Well I guess there are such petty things in life where you have to change for the heck of your ‘friendly environment’, and there come big decisions too where you have to change for the better, better for you yourself or the world…well that fact I am still doubtful about.

How constantly are we thinking, re-thinking, constructing and des-constructing meanings in our life in order to understand the bigger picture? I was on the dead end where I had to decide the fate of a man who loved me but was a sadist according to the world around me except me. I always trusted him for what he was. My decision to fight his case had changed my life, its meaning. In fact everything in order had become disrupted and it seemed that I had nothing more left to see and think.

Life seems difficult at times, when I studied law and decided to become a lawyer, I had no idea that my first big case will change me and my life so much. I, Medha Patkar, a solicitor so strong, known for her conviction was a weak individual when dealing with her first big case in life. How ironical it is when I say that, but this is it and I am proud that I fought it with full determination which made me the successful person I am today. In the bargain of my love life I was going to be awarded as the winner of a position in society. I wasn’t happy for my achievement then. Sometimes when I recall that moment in the courthouse when the prosecutor asked Ashish something trivial about our relationship, the court was silent listening to our love interests and suddenly a laugh broke the silence. That laugh was mine, out of disgust cause I’d never thought that I ‘d have to discuss it all in public that too in a negative light where there were sure shot chances of people taking us wrong. But still I had too, too prove him right. I was weak and scared inside because the slightest realization of me being unsuccessful in bringing him out of this all hurt me to the core. But what did I get even after winning it for him… I lost him. My parents didn’t want to stay with me as they thought I supported a criminal which was against their ‘siddhants’. How could I explain them that he was not a bad person at the end, he killed Kalpana Chawla out of protection of himself. No one but I believed him, not because I loved him but because I had sensed it in his eyes. They could never lie to me. I remember the sparkle of his eyes had mesmerized me in the deep backwaters of Munar, Kerala. He proposed me there where I had gone for my first research study on criminal behavior. Life was so beautiful then and it is and will always be. But I miss his presence; it would have been different than it is now. Though I proved that he was innocent and the case went in our favor, he was heavily broken; broken of the fact that he had disrespected his love in public. He had a lot of guilt trapped inside him. The minute the judge announced that he was free with all respect and the charges taken away, he left the court and after that I haven’t seen him yet. My parents cursed me to save him, love him. To stand for him, he who left me all alone cause he couldn’t face me anymore. Sometimes I feel that he wasn’t wrong in his place. If I would have been in his place I would probably suicide or end up doing something even worse. But when I got a letter from him days later that he was alive in some corner of the world but didn’t have the strength of being with me again, I respected him and moved on. It was difficult initially but I managed to revive myself with taking more and more cases in hand and fighting them successfully. In my career of twenty years I have taken in more than 10,000 cases and won most of them. After achieving so much I still feel I have missed on the better things in life. I wish that someday I can return back to my parents and tell them that I love them so much.

When in college sometimes we use to debate on the general issues circling our lives, I often use to win it with my one sole but strong point. That’s when my friends told me, ‘tu toh pakki lawyerni hai…tujhse kaun jeet sakta’.  They use to say and I use to deny because initially I wanted to become a painter. I had a zest for art from the very beginning as I loved playing with colors all the time. In the years of my practicing law art had become distant from me. That’s why they say that one can never anticipate what life holds for you in the very next moment. Not that I regret being a lawyer, but if were an artist…wouldn’t have to lose my love and family. Family life is one thing that I crave for every moment.

Now that I have started painting again, own a studio of my own, I meet so many people who love the colors of my paintings. They always comment that your paintings have so much life in it cause of the vibrant colors’. ‘Your personality though doesn’t reflect what your paintings do’, there was this point made by someone which left me thinking. I thought over and over again. I knew that am not as vibrant and colorful as my paintings were. But that’s because the crave for colors in my life had led me to paint that way.

My paintings fetch me a handsome amount and its just too much for me to handle excess of wealth. So I decided to give it in the Sarovar Ashram raised by the great actor Mr. Amitabh Bachan. He was one my favorite actors and I still love to watch his Kaun Banega Crorepati. The way he carries himself is admirable. Well, I had the golden chance to meet him, as I was one of the highest donators of his ‘Sarover Ashram’. So he decided to meet me. I was highly obliged when he gave me 45 minutes where I chatted with him and had the time of my life. He inspired me to live again. The few ‘kavitas’ he narrated from his Papa’s collection rejuvenate my thoughts and in turn my actions. And that’s when I decided to adopt a child from ‘Sarover. My best decision ever in life brought me so much happiness.

‘Kanika’ my daughter is ten years old now. She is a very beautiful child with whom anyone will fall in love. She loves me so much that I don’t miss my parents anymore. She’s one gift of life for which I never stop thanking to Almighty. She loves ice-creams a lot and I enjoy eating it with her. Although once upon a time I use to hate ice-creams, now I love them, well that’s life I guess. Life is constantly challenging you and changing you according to the circle around you. And I have finally figured it out that you change moreover for your own happiness than others. Today when I look back, I feel that life has given me so many surprises at each level, some good some bad, but every time I managed to move on with courage and a smile.

There is this ‘Karizma Carnival’ in France where artists and painters from all over the world gather to play with colors and brushes and the fun part is that we have to tie one hand  with our counterparts to create an art piece. And I have been affectionately invited to this explicit occasion by my friend Leena Moore, whose hosting this event this year. I am super excited to be a part of it. But what worries me is that I’ll have to leave Kanika in her school hostel for this trip. I wish I could take her along with me. But her Superintendent doesn’t want her to miss her lectures for so long. Kanika is sad too but she said that she’ll keep me posted with everything and I’ll do the same. We’ve become so much attached over the years that now it becomes difficult to stay away even for a moment. Thanks to the advent of Facebook that we can keep in touch 24x7. Technology today has reached to a whole another level. Even as I am typing this document on Google docs, I someday look forward to publish this story of mine to share it with people to tell them that life is something so precious even after all the bad experiences and the good ones too…we must learn to move on…one thing I forgot to mention is that my hair is now mostly grey and today I don’t hesitate to color it because Kanika likes it.. :)